


stay here

by OverTheMoonShine



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: (i'm sorry), Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Terminal Illness, mentions of other members - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-05-19
Packaged: 2020-03-07 20:31:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18880696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverTheMoonShine/pseuds/OverTheMoonShine
Summary: Hyunwoo knows the exact moment he realises Kihyun is saying goodbye.(Kihyun is sick, and there's only so much time they have left.)





	stay here

Hyunwoo knows the exact moment he realises Kihyun is saying goodbye.

It’s a bright blue Spring day, and they’re strolling along the Han river. A good day, Hyunwoo had assumed at first, since Kihyun had climbed into his car with a camera slung around his neck - a sure sign that he was doing fine. _It’d be a nice day for photographs_ , Kihyun said, smiling, unaware that Hyunwoo’s heart soared at the sight of the camera because it meant _He’s doing well, he’s going to get better_.

Kihyun is trailing behind him, which isn’t anything unusual in itself since the younger boy likes to take his time when he’s with his camera. _What’s the point of you having such a nice back, if I can’t take photos of it,_ he’d say with a twinkle in his eye. And sure enough, there are always 15 different shots of Hyunwoo’s back when Kihyun scrolls through the camera roll together with Hyunwoo after, Hyunwoo’s arm slung lazily around the younger’s shoulder, holding him close. _You make me look a lot cooler than I am_ , Hyunwoo would say; and Kihyun would just laugh, _You’re always the coolest to me._

“Hyung?” Kihyun calls softly from behind him. He’s holding up his camera, offering it to Hyunwoo. “Could you help me take a picture?”

Hyunwoo blinks, almost in confusion.

“I’ll show you how,” Kihyun continues, his tone as light as the fluffy clouds hanging in the sky above. “Don’t worry about breaking it.”

“You never let me touch your camera,” Hyunwoo says.

“I was just joking around,” Kihyun just shakes his head and laughs, but Hyunwoo knows better. The first and only time he had came in physical contact with Kihyun’s camera, Kihyun had almost broken up with him, just for messing up his settings and almost dropping it after the younger boy had cried out in alarm.

“Come on, hyung, this would be such a nice photo,” he continues, unaware of the growing feeling of dread pooling in Hyunwoo’s stomach. He’s turned away, tilting his head at the river behind him, probably thinking of how the shot would look. _Has Ki always looked this small?_ , Hyunwoo searches his memory, _Did he really look alright when he came into the car just now?_  

“I’ll frame it for you, you’ll just need to click the button.”

There are two choices: he can ask and with that, confront the reality that he knows both of them are turning their eyes away from; or he can take the camera and snap the shot, take Kihyun’s hand, maybe (definitely) kiss him, and buy them more time.

“Sure, just don’t laugh at me if it still turns out bad,” Hyunwoo says, and it surprises him how casual he sounds.

“But you always bring out the best in me anyway,” Kihyun answers, with that smug grin he wears whenever he knows he’s said something terribly cheesy.

And on any other occasion, Hyunwoo would roll his eyes and shove Kihyun (lightly) away, but this time, with Kihyun still smiling this brightly, still here, still his, Hyunwoo can only reply, “No, Ki, you bring out the best in me.”

-

Before Kihyun finally passes, there are more photographs, more selcas, Kihyun documents every date, every frame of their moments together. “Just for fun, hyung, we don’t take enough photos together,” he says at first, instead of _I’m running out of time_ ; and Hyunwoo only laughs and pulls funny faces in response, instead of saying _Please stay here, please don’t leave me._

Hyunwoo doesn’t know _doesn’t want to remember_ when Kihyun finally says, instead, “So that you have something to remember me by.”

 _Remember these moments_ , is what Kihyun means, _when we’re smiling and having fun. When we’re together._

“I’m not scared,” Kihyun says, when he’s finally hospitalised, after it becomes clear that they can’t cheat time anymore. He’s holding Hyunwoo’s hand, drawing circles with his thumb on Hyunwoo’s palm almost absent-mindedly. The circles are like zeroes, reminding Hyunwoo of how the timer is ticking down, and he has to blink away tears. He can't let Kihyun see how terrified he is. “So you shouldn’t be too.”

 _Let everything else fade,_ is what Kihyun doesn’t say, _all the other memories that have led up to this moment._

The first time he faints on a date, after complaining of a headache the whole night, and finally succumbing to the pressure building up in his head - an angry nest of wasps buzzing and buzzing endlessly, stinging blindly.

The nights he spends curled up around the toilet bowl, throwing up all the meals he and Hyunwoo had cooked together in their kitchen, recipes sourced from Naver but always never strictly adhered to with Hyunwoo’s tendency to freestyle. The ingredients are bought by Hyunwoo on a grocery run alone, even though Kihyun loves going to the grocery store.

The days he can’t get out of bed, limbs too tired to lift himself up. The days he tips left and right when he thinks he’s walking in a straight line, when he thinks he’s been walking for hours but he’s only gotten as far as the living room, when he can’t concentrate on anything longer than a few minutes.

The days he wishes he were already dead because it would be easier than seeing Hyunwoo hide his worry, hide his tears.

 _Remember only these memories_ , is what Kihyun means, when he presses a scrapbook of photographs into Hyunwoo’s hands, on one of the last times they see each other. Kihyun is pale and small, the hospital sheets look like they’re engulfing him, and Hyunwoo just wants to bundle Kihyun up and take him away, far far away from the hospital. If they’re fast enough, they could out run this, they could have more time.

“We had lots of fun, huh?” Kihyun says, but it takes him a while to find the right words. He always takes a long while to do things nowadays, and he’s trying not to begrudge his body for failing him, but it’s hard. Everything is hard. “I’m sorry, it’s selfish but I’m still glad I met you.”

“I’ll never be sorry for meeting you,” Hyunwoo answers, because he can’t say _please stay for me._

The scrapbook is thick, and Hyunwoo doesn’t know how long Kihyun has been preparing this. It starts from one of the very first photographs they have together: in Hyunwoo’s last year of university, when Kihyun and him finally started dating after months of pining after each other. He remembers how natural it felt to hold Kihyun’s hand, how Kihyun’s presence somehow magically made even the worst day seem better.

There are portions where Kihyun’s normally neat handwriting devolves into an almost unintelligible scrawl that could rival Hyunwoo’s everyday writing. The words are pressed deep into the page and there are small smudges like when marker ink meets water, and Hyunwoo doesn’t want to think of what Kihyun must have been feeling, at which stage of his condition he must have been in as he was writing it.

 _Do you remember when we first decided to move in together?_ Kihyun writes, next to a selca they had taken of them in the house, when they first received their keys. Hyunwoo’s eyes are deep crescents from his smile, and Kihyun is shining. After the photograph, they had spent the whole day lying down in the living room, each taking turns to marvel at how incredulous it seemed that they were now going to live together. _We both asked each other on our second anniversary, and laughed at what a coincidence it was. I’d never felt so sure about anyone before._

_You know me._

On that night, they had surprised each other with the other’s favourite food for dinner. Both persons crammed into their small kitchen, trying to shield the other from looking at what they were preparing, until the full dishes were displayed on their dining table. “Meat for the bear,” Kihyun had teased, showing off his bulgogi dish, the smell of sesame oil and soy sauce already enough to make Hyunwoo’s mouth water even before tucking in.

“Chicken for the person who thinks it’s something we should eat when we’re at the beach,” Hyunwoo had replied, showing off the spicy fried chicken he had made.

The day Kihyun finally passes, Hyunwoo spends the rest of his time in their - now, only his - bed, curled up around the scrapbook. His phone buzzes occasionally, lighting up with messages from the rest of their friend group, undoubtedly checking in on him. But apart from Kihyun’s print, beautiful even in its messiness, in the book, he can’t seem to understand anything else.

_I’ll never be sorry for meeting you._

Him and Kihyun are smiling in a photograph snapped by Minhyuk when they’re all hanging out one day after classes in university. It’s when they have first started dating and everything still feels fresh and new, although with Kihyun, he had never lost that feeling. Kihyun is wearing Hyunwoo’s jacket, that’s obviously too large for him, but he has Hyunwoo caught in a sweater-paw embrace.

_If we were to meet in another life, I’ll try my best to make sure we have more time._

Kihyun is laughing at something that Hyunwoo has said, and Hyunwoo can almost hear the younger’s bright laughter in his mind.

He has a catalogue of Kihyun’s laughter: the one that starts off slightly higher-pitched when he’s laughing at something he knows he probably shouldn’t be; the silent one when he’s so amused that he can’t even get anything out, apart from clapping his hands or throwing himself against the closest person (usually Hyunwoo) - how his giggles usually start off loud but end up dissolving into silence the more he finds whatever it is hilarious. There’s no better feeling than hearing Kihyun light up with laughter at something he’s said.

_I’ll say goodbye for now, until we meet again._

A screenshot printed from a Skype conversation when Kihyun spends a summer abroad in his last year of university. Kihyun had gone to America for a photography internship, and the three months without him were the hardest that Hyunwoo had ever gone through, especially with the time zone difference.

They schedule calls around Hyunwoo’s increasingly busy work schedule (it was his first year of work at an insurance company he had eventually resigned from) and Kihyun’s internship commitments. Hyunwoo counts down the seconds until their next call, and it’s this feeling of absence when Kihyun isn’t beside him that makes him realise how important the younger has become to him.

Before Kihyun comes back, Hyunwoo starts saving up for an apartment together - not realising that Kihyun has started doing the same thing on the other side of the globe.

_Son Hyunwoo, you’ll be in my heart, always._

A selca taken of them in bed. It’s one month before Kihyun would be hospitalised and he’s already lost too, too much weight, but that doesn’t detract from the light in his eyes.

There is no grand event attached to this moment, apart from the fact that Kihyun is still here, still breathing and alive, still next to Hyunwoo, together.

_You are my person, and I am yours._

The last photograph in the scrapbook is the one that Hyunwoo had taken, on that very fateful Spring day, when he realised Kihyun’s situation may not be as optimistic as the younger had said it was.

Kihyun is wearing a soft smile in the photograph, as if well aware of the pain they would both go through in the months to come, but there’s strength in his eyes, his gaze firm.

On the last time they meet, Kihyun says, “I’m not afraid, as long as you’re with me.”

“Always,” Hyunwoo replies, intertwining their fingers. “You’re always going to be with me.”

Kihyun makes a face, or as much of one that he can, given that he’s lost some motor control over the left side of his body, “You’re cheesy.”

“I learnt it from you.”

Hyunwoo chatters on about what had happened at work that day, and how Changkyun had finally found a job as an assistant editor at an independent publishing company, how Jooheon just released his first mixtape, Wonho is starting a new exercise class, and Minhyuk has adopted yet another dog while Hyungwon’s finally invited them to see him DJ at a club the week after. It's funny because before the illness, Kihyun had always been the more verbose of the two, but now, Hyunwoo talks enough for the both of them.

Even though Kihyun doesn’t say much, Hyunwoo knows that he’s listening from the slight frown of concentration on his forehead. “They’re all doing really well, don’t worry Ki.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Hyunwoo says when he leaves that night. Kihyun would pass in a few hours, but for now, there’s still this moment, they still have this time left between them. He presses a soft kiss on Kihyun’s forehead, and another one on Kihyun’s lips. “Sleep tight, my love.”

And with a small shake of his head, as if he knows his days are up and this would be their last time together, Kihyun answers, a serene smile on his face, “See you in the morning, whenever it comes.”

_Live well, my love._

_Yoo Kihyun._

**Author's Note:**

> this was entirely inspired by this [wonderful AU](https://twitter.com/aisyah_tsu/status/1123267791555973120), which may or may not have made me wept buckets. i've never written a Showki up till this moment, but i couldn't stop thinking about the AU
> 
> i hope you enjoyed it! come find me on twitter at [legofroggo](https://twitter.com/legofroggo), i always love talking to more monbebes.
> 
> have a great day!


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